When the Soul Cries

In loving memory of my Appa, who died in 1974, on July 17, in the Land of Morning Calm.

My heart and soul cry for you, even though I never got to know you.
You held me in your arms, I felt safe.
You gave me a name, which I cherish so much in my heart.
You truly loved me,
You spent the last four years of your life searching for me in Korea.
You died too young, only 42 years old.
You suffered too, you cried too.
No one ever told you I was gone forever.
My pain is unbearable, I am yearning for you, I miss you so much.
We will never meet again, how can I live without you?
I feel like a living dead, my heart died a long time ago.
No one understands why I miss you, but I know the reason:
You were my true Father, a part of me, You loved me because I was your daughter.
How can the world understand my misery, my unfathomable loss?
You were everything to me, after Umma died, your wife.
Why won’t the world understand I am in shock right now? I got the date of your death only recently.
I am mourning, the death I was never allowed to grieve.
What happened to our family is the reason why tears keep falling, and it really hurts, it stings.
This little girl wants go home, but she can not. She doesn’t know the way, and even if I did find the old house still standing, you would not be there.
Only a grave is waiting for me now.
So my heart cries for you, always, my dear beloved Dad.
I feel there is no solace for me, ever. Like a lost and lonely soul I will walk until my last day on Earth, never lingering, always wandering, searching for comfort that cannot be found.
I miss you so much. Please watch over me from above, and help me find peace tonight, every day, and especially the day that I sit by your grave.
Appa, your lost daughter will return one day, to finish the circle of life and death.
We will once again be together for a while.

And these words that a friend of mine wrote to me; they touched my heart and my soul.

“Universal dust surrounds us, and in the night they are the skies’ diamonds, and many are those of your mom’s and dad’s for sure … for sure they treasure you and are watching over you …”


~ Khara


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