Definition of Inner Child: The child you once were, the child within, which must be embraced and expressed. Which must be set free, by reflecting fully on the experiences of your life. Which must be given a chance to heal, to recover from the painful horrors of your past.
Why is it so difficult and painful to find my Inner Child? With every step of this journey I come face to face again with the same feelings that I buried so many years ago. I see her again so lonely and scared, feel her pulse racing, become immersed once more in the sadness and hurting of the memories, the nightmare which is my Pandora’s Box. Every time it is opened I hear echoes of angry voices, and see again in exquisite detail a slow motion replay in my head of those things which I want to forget. I still have many of her dreams, still feel her loneliness, and in those dreams I never seem to find my way home. My nightmares are endless variations on that same everlasting theme.
I once dreamt I was screaming, loud and clear, “I want to go home!” I was sitting in the orphanage in Korea, next to a little boy barely older than me, on a bench by a wall, watching the other children play, and I was crying, feeling alone, afraid and abandoned. I was sad for days after this dream, which felt like a strong memory emerging from the depths of my body, a traumatic experience that my conscious self forgot, but my body and my Inner Child still remember.
Every day such sore, raw bundles of old hurt knock on the door of my mind, right in the middle of my life, after having been hidden for so many years. Why now? Is it perhaps because now, for the first time, I can finally comfort my Inner Child, and tell her that all this is a chapter long gone?
Dear Inner Child of mine, none of your shame, fear or guilt was ever your fault. You did all you could to please those around you, but they never understood you. They never cared enough to help or to give you the comfort, love and support that you needed. You learned to hate, to cry, to feel like a burden. You even thought seriously about taking your own life. You felt like the loneliest soul in the whole world. But know this: The first part of your life was a very difficult path to walk; trauma upon trauma. But the second half, where you are now, will bring all those things your heart ever wished for; happiness, security, love, and dreams fulfilled. Yes, even that Teddy you always dreamt of 🙂
And other things will follow; your future holds a little haven where you can meditate and grow flowers, go fishing, or simply sit and listen to music, or to the waves of the ocean, or the wind, or go for walks in the forest, amidst the trees and the flowers, admiring life around you, perhaps catch glimpses of wild animals; or just admire the evening sky, all the stars and planets, occasionally seeing meteors and Northern lights.
Never again will your nightmares come true. Only a shadow will now and then remind you of the past. When you brush it off, it will be gone, like dew disappears from the leaves and grass when the morning sun breaks through the clouds.
Dont be afraid. Nothing more can happen to you, because you are all grown up now. Forgive me for leaving you alone. I hid you away for years and tried to forget you, because being reminded of you was too painful to deal with. I let my body and soul go numb, and I tried so hard to bury you deep, deep down in my heart. But that made me sick, and I felt like a living dead, as bad as the pain I was trying to hide. So I promise you, from now on I will be true to my feelings and cry, laugh, be angry, sing and dance when I feel like it in my heart, and I will listen to little Kyung Sook, see things from her lovely, enchanted perspective, her simple yet cute ways.
I remember, as a little girl, the pride I felt at making perfume; I picked rose petals which I dropped into the water in my little, red bucket. I made it for the parsley in the garden, and of course for myself too, while I was singing a Norwegian nursery rhyme about the little Parsley who was going to a ball, just like Cinderella. I believed she attended a ball every night, and the rose-petal perfume would make her smell sweeter than everyone else 🙂
That was me, when I was you. That little girl, innocent and sweet, though nobody knew your heart and saw what a precious diamond you were, my Inner Child who suffered so much, but still you dreamt of the most beautiful things. You are not forgotten and never will be. You were never weak; you simply carried more weight on your shoulders and in your heart than any child should have to. But you remained strong to the core, a strength which you inherited from your mum and dad. Be proud of yourself, as they would be proud of you. From now on we will walk side by side, you and I.