Even after all these years it is not any easier to let out all of my deepest feelings. They say that everything will heal with time, but I don’t think my sorrow and grief will go away. My heart has always missed you both, my whole life.
In my loneliness and in times of trials I have always wished that you were there for me. Dad, my heart has cried for you for decades now. And Mum, my heart longed for you in all these years. All those times I was afraid and in shock, I cried for you, screaming and hoping that you would come for me. In my prayers I wished I would meet you some day. As a frightened girl in a lonely corner, sitting with my knees up and my head down, shedding thousands of tears over the years. I always missed you. Many times I ran along the beach, alone in the rain and in stormy weather, and my tears fell to the ground, making a trail of tears and sadness.
My four-legged companion was my best friend for a decade. She followed me to the end. May she rest in peace, too. I have always missed feeling real love, to be secure and hear words of love, to get a hug, to have a lap to sit on, a shoulder to cry on, to receive comfort and support, and feel true happiness like other kids. Just to hear words like, “I am so proud of you, my daughter. I love you as you are because you are my little treasure”.
I wish that I could see for myself which of you I resemble the most, and hear your voices again, see your smiles and tears. I want to hear my whole story, why we had to say goodbye, and exactly what happened after that. I would like to have seen you come back for me, dear Daddy, the day you came to the orphanage in Korea to bring me back home again. I would also have liked to see you smile with happiness because you were now able to take care of me. I would have hugged you and held you, and it would have been like a birthday, Christmas and New Year’s celebration all at the same time in my heart. It would have been the best day of my life, ever!
I dreamt of this when I was little, in my adoptive home in Norway, wished that you would find me here, and come to take me back home. I might have been six or seven years old, and I would have greeted you and come running to you with tears of joy. This skinny little girl with too much sorrow inside would finally have had a chance to heal. I would not have been able to understand the words you were saying, but my heart would have recognized you. Maybe some of the Korean language would have come back to me. Anyway, the language of love doesn’t need any translator. I would have cried and whispered softly in your ear, I always missed you.
My inner child has been angry for so many years. Why did this have to happen? How could you deliver me to the children’s home and then go away? I am sure you heard me crying when you left. How your absence filled me with anxiety over the years, you will never know, because you died before we ever had a chance to meet each other again.
All this happened during a very difficult time for our family. And dear Mommy, you died when I was only a few months old. I lay beside you, in your arms, when you left this world. All I know is that your final resting place lies somewhere in Korea.
I will light a candle to bring peace over both of your memories, and may you rest in peace until we meet again. Your youngest daughter here in the cold North never forgot you. I will always treasure you in my heart.
All my love,