A Letter to adoptive parents

To all adoptive parents in the world who have already adopted a child: Never forget that this child comes with a package. We have everything for a brief moment, then we lose it all. We are traumatized for life. We are expected to get over it fast, because society doesn’t see that we have any issues. We are not allowed to grieve because then we will hurt the adoptive parents’ feelings. We must call you parents, and you will be mad if we don’t. How about letting us hold on to the only thing we have in life; our love for our natural parents. Help us, be honest and let us keep our names at least, and our humans rights. We are not blank sheets, there’s already a lot written down when we arrive.

And let it be clear, the reason why I don’t support adoption is because I have had a hell on Earth during my childhood. I just write this because adoptive parents who already adopted have a huge responsibility towards the adopted children even more than if you got kids of your own. And my bold statement comes here: I wish adoption ends some day, there are other ways to do things. ADOPTION IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM! At one end there will always be a grieving mother, and at the other end a child who misses her natural Mum. These are plain, honest facts from my heart. I wrote that first paragraph on Facebook one day, and I just felt like writing more on this subject.

Why is it that you get hurt when we wonder where we came from? Why is it a taboo? How can you say that you are my only mum, and be pissed off for my asking? Or telling us to get over it, or else you will be so hurt by it, by us asking about our past? We are supposed to love you endlessly, and put on big smiles on our faces, showing all kinds of gratitude and be happy. Move on with our lives and forget our past, pretend that everything is OK. Live in denial and be so-called happy adoptees, or angry ones who never fit in, and they will show it in many ways. But we stay true to you, because we experienced to be relinquished once, and we fear that it will happen again. So in order to cope with our lives we prefer to do everything in the world to be so-called loveable, or we do the opposite just to test you.

But either way adoption is a huge loss, like the death of a loved one, and when someone dies there is mourning, but not for us. We must hide or forget that trauma, carry that loss inside us. Because in many cases we are supposed to be a substitute for the child they could not have themselves, or just be a family member to complete a facade of a nice, happy family with big smiles on their faces. I know this can be very controversial but its the truth. If you search your hearts and answer truthfully you will acknowledge that you paid money for that child, and you hope and expect something back, and when we do not live up to that expectation life will be ruined for the second time around.

So many families in complete chaos, and even cases of children being sent back to their homeland because their adoptive parents did not register them to become real citizens of the country they were adopted to. So how can adoptive parents be so cruel? First they contribute to the first huge loss by tearing us away from our parents, and do the paper work so we don’t get to know our story, and we lose the right to look through our journals in closed adoptions, the truth in many cases. And when we’ve lost everything, and I mean absolutely everything, then some are sent back again, being an alien in the country they once knew.

The adoption business is all about money and politics, though the world will not admit it yet, but we adoptees are caught in the middle of it, and at our costs. We suffer as long as the world looks upon adoption as “a beautiful and noble thing to do”. This is meant to be a wake up call to the world. Remember, we adoptees are not products; we are human beings with lots of feelings. You adoptive parents claim ownership over us for a lifetime, but know this: LOVE FOR OUR NATURAL PARENTS comes first. And trust and love must be earned, not demanded.

And even if the intention of adopting is good, there will always inevitably be special problems. The questions and the problems will come some day inside every adoptee. And that “they lived happily ever after” thing, exist only in the fairy tales. This may sound very harsh but, after all, the ones who who have nothing to say in the matter of adoption are us, the frightened, traumatized little children who arrive into this new alien environment which we must call home.

A big thank you to adoptees who support me worldwide 🙂

~ Khara

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15 thoughts on “A Letter to adoptive parents

  1. Khara,
    As an adoptee, I agree 100% with what you’ve written here. You’re awesome. 🙂 Keep up the good work!
    Gwen

  2. This is beautiful and I hope all potential adopters stop to read this before they decide to purchase a child. It might change their minds, but if it doesn’t maybe they will have an open heart and compassion when raising the child.

  3. I lost my one and only baby to adoption — legal baby-buying — in 1989. I will NEVER get over losing my baby. It hurts beyond imagination that people who bought my baby are being loved and called “mom” and “dad”, but I am merely a hole my baby popped out of.
    I found her on MySpace and Facebook. I have seen how those people “raised” her. It sickens me. There is nothing I can do about it. At least I was able to tell her the truth of how she got bought by those people. Unfortunately, in her eyes and heart, I will never be her Mother.
    They won; I lost.
    My pain; their gain.
    I wish I was dead. </3

    • So sorry to hear about your loss, what can I say than your loss is beyond unfathomable , I am a mum myself and could never imagine to be without mine. I really hope this adoption business will end some day, since it is only a road of tears for both sides. Adoptees and Natural parents..
      I wish I had the chance to meet my natural parents though, but they are both dead long time ago. I hope your daughter come around one day, and see what great opportunity she has in life.
      Thanks for reading and for your comment in here, you are welcome back…

      • Thank you! I am so tired of people telling me: “She’s better off” or “Get over it” or other cold-hearted bs comments like that. Let’s see them lose a child! They’ll sing a different tune. Instead of spending tens of thousands of dollars to buy a baby, they should help the Mother *keep* her baby.

      • I agree!!! I hope the society can change all over the world. Beginning with the first stair teaching youths how things works:) and use condoms or pills. Then the next step get rid of all of those old ways, move into 2012 and see that society changed. There are different kind of familys now, help single mums to keep their babies. End the way people look at single mums especially in Korea. There it is still a big shame to be a single mum, it effects every side of life there. Get a job is difficult and the nearest family talk about the facade, the family lose their honour. So old culture and ways to look upon things must stop. And lots of tragedys are doomed to happen if things are not changing, they are forced to give up their babys. I hope and pray the world will change!!!!

    • Thanks for commenting in here:) I hope the world will change one day, and there are lots of puzzles which must be done, and one of them is the adopters views. I grew up in a home where my past was a tabu, that was just so wrong.

  4. I’m very heartened to see more adult adoptees talking like this. The big roadblock to empathic care (hopefully only when we absolutely MUST lose our natural families) is the willful ignorance or even outright disbelief that separation is a MAJOR trauma — probably the greatest trauma in any human life.

    Needy, infant-seeking adoptive parents choose to believe that the child will not remember, or will get over it, or enough love will somehow obliterate the trauma. But this is no longer even up for debate; the implicit memory cannot be erased, and the trauma greatly affects critical brain development. Pretending no loss was experienced simply piles more trauma on top and further damages the development of healthy neural pathways.

    Even many adult adoptees want to bury this fact, lest they be marginalized. But the fact remains despite their denial. High time to face it, I think. Not doing so simply perpetuates the myth; to say you are fine translates to adopters as “See, there’s really no damage — they do get over it.”

    • HI
      Thanks for commenting in here:) so true what you written. Many can not face the trauma and choose to live in denial and pretend everything is so nice through out their lifes. The few of us is strong enough to face it in our lifes and we are the warriors:) The ones who can change the conciousness in the world, in adoption issues.

  5. Things must definitely change.
    Especially the way women and girls are treated.
    I’d like to say women should FIGHT back, but in many countries it’s just not physically possible.
    Where is God/dess to help???

  6. It is a relief to find these articles this morning. I suffer so much that I wake with the word abandonment on my mind. In searching I found these articles. I relate to what is written and find it a relief that others feel the same way and maybe there is hope in finding a path out of all these feelings. For 52 years I’ve been smiling on the outside while crying inside and simultaneously feeling guilty for feeling this way. Seeking is my mission for 2015, I seek to understand. Thank you for writing this.

    • Dear Kimberly. Thank you for commenting, and I apologize that it has taken so long for me to reply. Not many years ago, it was my turn to discover that I was not alone, that I was not the only one who felt the way that I have for my whole life. If my blog has any part in helping you on your path to find answers and peace, then I am immensely glad. I wish you all the best on your search, and that you will find what you’re looking for. Namasté.

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