Writing a blog is a new and very exciting experience, and it opens up so many possibilities for me. Reaching out to the world on a grander scale 🙂 Writing about happy and good things, but also sad and bad ones, to just let my emotions float along the way.
Because my life has not been an easy one, and I am now trying to let go of much of the grief that life has brought me; trying to forgive myself for having hidden my true self for too long. I’ve felt that I have not been allowed to grieve; this unfair demand that I should be so thankful for my life, although I know that I shouldn’t have to feel that way.
But to fit in with my new family, my friends, this culture and country, I had to shut down all memories of being loved by my first family, in my homeland, Korea, The Land of Morning Calm. I had to forget I had a mum and a dad, sisters and relatives far away; In a once familiar country to whom I am now a stranger, a tourist. I no longer know the customs, the smells, the sounds or the faces. All that has faded away; only my heart remembers my origin. I know we are so many adoptees in Norway, but knowing this does not help to comfort my grieving soul. It’s an endless stream of tears from all of us, weeping for this deep grief; we lost our inheritance, everything in life, even our parents. How can a grief be greater than this?
I have tried for years now to fit in, but at last I have accepted that I will never quite fit. Instead I will try to see the good in the world, to appreciate the little things in life, try to find whatever will make my heart smile. Try to find the essence of myself; the little girl who thought she could make the world a better one. She wished every day that something good and wonderful would happen, even though she was always sad and lonely. She wished to reach for the stars, dream about a future far better than this life. She was hoping for someone to come and rescue her, but no-one ever did.